11:09 p.m. - 01/25/2018
Sick and tired
So my dv conselor said i should journal every day i really need to to make sence of this crap im going thru im just so fed up with jesse and he is not even around he showed up on jan 8 2018 knocking on my door there is a order that says he cant be 1000 ft from my house so every time he knocks i have to call 911 and report him but they cant don't and wont do anything of course he leaves when asked or when i refuse to talk to him not sure what goes on in his stupid mind i really dont love him anymore havent really loved him since that april 2015 when he kicked me and jessa out that weekend we came to visit him at the motel i think the exact day was april 12 13 and the 14 he hit me and dragged me out and told me to leave and wouldnt give me the carseat or stroller ya then he texted me after about 3 hours saying come back he had dope of course he didnt know i had went back to red oak anyways back to now im really stresssing over his ass for jesssa sake not even sure why he was never there for josh and lacy when i met him nor leah when he finally brought her up so wow why care he is sorry i know i will never let him in my house. For nothing. The damage is done so deep it can never be undone i still cant BELIEVE he got cps in my life. But he threatened it so much why cant i believe it oh well he did now im left picking up all the poeces mostly to my life but jessas to i just want to forget about every thing he did and put me thru so mad i believed him and defended him and pit up with as much as did haha well even know i feel my life is still not on track i long to be happy again i dont even lnow what is making me unhappy dear diary i miss doing DOPE i miss it alot and its crazy cuz all my life i wanted to be off it i wanted that monkey off my back and here i am 15 months clean cps out of my like almost 3 full months and i haven't hit the pipe 💔🙋ðŸ˜ðŸ˜¥ something to be proud of yet im ashamed THAT i miss it ug well maybe that is why i aint happy but who knows i need to go to the dr pretty sure i got some form of depression it sucks can i have really been depressed my whole life well here is my journal for today i hope i do this every day so i can make progress im sick and tired of being sick and tired
