11:00 p.m. - 03/20/2018
Cried alot
I had a bad day well idk about bad but i cried alot you see i planned on the story i was gonna tell amber about how and what i found out. But before our session started i started crying and i ruined everything nothing made sense that im crying i am so so happy and free and i want to heal and be done with this and god answered my prayers what a awsome god is there something wrong with me. Why am i stressed about something i cant control its all in gods hand and here i am crying and asking for more what does it matter if he gets 10 months or 10 years. The point is im going to have to heal no matter what i cant keep thinking oh if this happens i can do this or if he gets this sentence then i will have time to do xxx i mean its not going to matter i have to fix me i have to work on me i have to change i dont even know who im supposed to be i need to read my bible i need my faith to grow i need to understand what i need to do to move pn i cant have what jesses doing determine what im doing i cant pick up drugs if he goes to prison i cant use tomorrow because i know he wont call cps on me i mean he cant im so confused and that makes no sense i am stuck on stupid yet i havent hit a pipe in 17 months (tommorow) do you hear me i havent smoked meth in 17 months im not even sure if i ever been clean in my life for 17 months in a row well i know when ash was little that was the less times i used but from oso grande i dont remeber using that much actully my first connect was that spers guy that was with that chick who had the red camero. Well maybe not maybe it was ken anyways i know by the time ash was 3 i had connections like sonya and kevin i had we were doing it when me and Michael split up i was doing it when i was at dennys oh i forgot about getting it from scott adams. I was foing it enough damn im cant get back on it looking at all that time im lucky i didn't catch a dope charge. I gootta go im tired. I hope tomorrow is better i dont want to be crying
